Cracked Cups & Closed Loops: Rethinking Relationship Communication

Cracked Cups and Closed Loops: Real Talk About Communication in Relationships

Communication in a relationship isn’t just about talking. It’s about being heard, feeling safe, and staying connected - especially when emotions run high or words don’t land the way we hope. It’s also one of the top reasons couples end up in counselling or coaching. Not because they don’t care about each other, but because they’re speaking different languages… or listening through cracked cups.

What Do I Mean by 'Cracked Cups'?

Imagine your nervous system as a cup. If that cup is cracked from past experiences, stress, trauma, or neurodivergent wiring, even the most loving message can leak out or feel distorted. Your partner might say “I need space,” but you hear “I don’t want you.” Or they might say nothing, and you fill in the silence with fear.

Communication isn’t just about what’s said. It’s filtered through how safe we feel, how regulated we are, and what stories we’ve absorbed about love, conflict, and closeness.

The Closed Loop Problem

Healthy communication is a loop - I speak, you receive, respond, and the loop closes. But many couples operate on open loops: unfinished conversations, half-heard feelings, and assumptions made in the space where clarity should have lived. These open loops lead to resentment, misunderstandings, and distance.

Add neurodivergence into the mix - such as ADHD, RSD, or sensory overload - and that loop can glitch even more. Words get missed. Tone is misread. One partner needs directness, the other needs space. One wants to process now, the other needs 24 hours and a notebook.

Here’s What Actually Helps

- Regulation First, Words Second. Communicate when you’re calm, not when you're storming.

- Speak in Needs, Not Accusations. 'I feel overwhelmed and need a breather' lands better than 'You always ignore me.'

- Create Safe Norms. Agree on how you’ll pause hard conversations, how you reconnect, and what helps each of you feel heard.

- Own Your Filters. Be curious about how your past, your wiring, or your day might be influencing what you hear.

- Repair > Perfection. You won’t always get it right. What matters more is how you circle back and make space for each other.

What If You’re Not on the Same Page?

Not everyone is ready to dive deep. Sometimes, one person is all-in on growth and repair, while the other is shutdown or stuck. That’s where outside support can help - not to blame or fix, but to untangle the knot together with compassion and accountability.

Real communication isn’t perfect. It’s intentional. It’s messy. And when done well, it’s deeply healing.

If this hit a nerve or sparked a curiosity, reach out. Relationship coaching isn’t about 'fixing your partner' - it’s about strengthening the way you show up for each other, especially when life gets loud.